Did I Love Enough?

by Helge Hellberg | November 15th, 2009

It’s been cold this past week.  The temperature has dropped, the wasps are gone, the apples are in, and my dog suddenly has a white breath in the cold morning air.

How did this happen?  I remember as if it were only the week before; jumping in the pond at a friend’s place to wash off the dust of a beautifully warm late summer day.

And now, at seven in the morning, out in West Marin, the patches of grass that lie in the shade are frozen over.

This will happen to my life too.  Suddenly, before I know it, I will be in my late fall, right before winter, just before darkness covers the season of transformation – a season in which some things will die and new life will be re-born out of their death, out of my death.

So this is it, then, this is the time to reflect on this life and this year. 

It’s fall.  And as I light my first candle of this season, take a hot bath, and all of a sudden find my bed cozier than ever, I look at this year - at my successes and failures, my travels, my new and old friends, and I realize that there is only one question to ask: 

Did I love enough?

Knowing that the answer will likely never be “yes”, I am glad that there are six weeks left before the end of 2009.

I know I can love more, I know many of us can.  May our breath in the cold air these mornings remind us that we are all on borrowed time, and that the one question at the end of the day will be the same. . . for all of us.


Motivated by Love

by Helge Hellberg | November 3rd, 2009

What am I motivated by – my desire for love, or my experience of love?

It’s so easy in this world of melting glaciers, loss of habitat, environmental decline and human aggression to be motivated by our desire for love – by our desire for a healthy planet, a loving relationship, a world full of respect and dignity in which everyone and everything thrives.

Yet, when we are motivated by our desire for love, that world exists only in our imagination, somewhere in the future. It will always exist there, in the future, not yet to be had. It will always be out of reach in our lifelong pursuit to create it. I am almost certain that world will actually never come.

When we stop and realize the beauty of this life and the truth that surrounds us, the amazing full moon last night, the kindness of most people, the fear in others and our strength to be gentle with it, the magic of serendipity every day in our lives – when we are motivated by love, the work to protect this planet and all life on it still remains, but we carry the world that we desire already with us, wherever we go.


The Space Between Exhale and Inhale

by Helge Hellberg | October 10th, 2009

Usually, breathing is referred to as inhale and exhale. But when we relax and pay attention, we’ll find that there is a third part, a space in-between the time of the exhale and the inhale – a pause, a few seconds, a space in time when there is nothing, a moment during which the world inside of us quiets.

That space is my universe. In that space, I know I don’t need to remember to breathe in, my body remembers for me. And I don’t have to control its length, my body knows how long it should be.

In that space, I actually don’t feel that I am breathing, but that I am breathed.

In that space, for a moment, I can stop chasing whatever we chase in life: happiness, money, the train, the kids, the dog, or our own tail. No more chasing – for a moment.

In the space between out-breath and in-breath I reside, and, consciously or not, I am surrendered to something much larger than me.

Instead of chasing the world, I can follow. And by following, I have arrived, manifested in my essence, which is always there, and always has been, to find a language older than words*, to find the letter to myself that was written a long time ago.

And the most amazing thing is that this space, this opportunity, resides in my chest every twelve seconds.

Thank you, to whoever is breathing me.

(”A Language older than Words” – inspired by Derrick Jensen, http://derrickjensen.org)


Eight Pounds of Love

by Helge Hellberg | September 21st, 2009

A month ago, I visited my family in Germany – and gained about eight pounds – in one week!

We all know that it is impossible to argue with your mom about being full, as her love is expressed through food. It has always been expressed this way, from the moment we were born, and even before. How wonderful.

As I am working out daily to shed my new love handles, I am doing so with a new-found appreciation and understanding of that side of my mother.

Just like the great mother, mothers in all shapes and sizes, mothers of all kinds – really, all mothers – provide, and feed, and nourish. That’s what they do, that’s the definition of a mother.

Why would I love the way the Earth nourishes me, and not the way my mother does, by keep serving me food?

It seems that I have a choice to say no to the Earth Mother, but not to my mom, who gets upset when I decline the fourth serving – but I wonder if that’s really true.

Mother Earth gets just as upset when I say no to her, when I suppress her natural ability and desire to nourish, when I put my rules on her, when I ignore her expression, and when I don’t appreciate the incredible gift of having a mother in my life.

So I will still need to find a way next time I go not to gain weight, but at the same time fully embrace my mom’s expression of her love to me – even when it comes in endless servings.

Or maybe, I will just say next time after my trip, that in one week in Germany, I gained eight pounds – eight pounds of love.


“Being” versus “Doing”

by Helge Hellberg | September 19th, 2009

A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine about the non-profit world. He had been working 80-hour weeks, for months, after the California state budget freeze to get his non-profit through the difficult economic times and simply because there was so much to do.

He said that the worst thing about the last months, however, was not the financial crunch, but the exhaustion he felt and the anger he put on all his colleagues and friends during that time.

I know I’ve done it too. In the name of nature and with the environmental crisis in our faces every day, it is easy to justify over-working. But how ironic, that while I am trying to create a better, more just, healthy, and fair world for everyone – a world in which we want our children to be happy and safe ever after – I am a source of stress and unhappiness myself.

My friend said that he believes now that the meals on the fly as we are creating a healthier food system, the endless work hours as we are striving for true sustainability, and what ever else we do to our bodies and environments in the wake of our burn-out, is simply another form of violence, a hidden one, silently accepted and justified by the “importance of our work.”

Yes our work is critical, and important, and while there is never enough money, never enough time to get all the things done that we must achieve in life, never a time without obstacles, and challenges and heartbreak, I, from now on, will make an extra joyous commitment to putting my effort into effortlessness – to remember that everything is vibration and that the world around us is a reflection of our internal vibration – and that at the end of the day, us “being” is so much more important than us “doing.”


Lucy Lemonade

by Helge Hellberg | August 31st, 2009

Last weekend, I stopped at a tiny non-descript lemonade stand in my home town. The owner of the stand was a six-year-old girl named Lucy. “50 cents a glass,” she said, “or two for a dollar – and then you get a third one as a gift.”

I was confused, and said, “So, then it’s three for a dollar, right?”

But she insisted and said, slightly annoyed with me as if I had made fun of her or was not getting her point, “No, it’s two for a dollar. And then you get another one as a gift!”

I gave in and said, “Okay, I’ll take two for a dollar.”

I sipped my lemonade and it was hands-down the best lemonade I have ever had – and Lucy knew it. The amount of freckles she had on her face represented the amount of summer that she had put into her lemonade. It was delicious, rich in ripe meyer lemons, a tad of cane sugar, and maybe a hint of maple syrup, and lot’s of love – pungent, not too sweet, not too sour, just perfect.

The lemonade was so good that for a moment I forgot her initial offer.

As I was saying thank you and turning around to walk away, she held up another cup and said with a big smile, “Mister – and this one here, is for you – from me.”

I got it. I was reminded of the power and beauty of keeping a deal a deal in this world of “Three for Two’s” and “Buy-One-Get-One-Free” – and then truly receiving a gift in addition.

Lucy was six and already knew the difference. Good for her.


Not to Take Anything For Granted

by Helge Hellberg | August 16th, 2009

Living in Northern California, this year’s Cherry season was extremely short. Late rains at the wrong time – just a few days before harvest –let the fruit split and made it unfit for the market.

I remembered a similar year last year with blackberries, there were almost none, blackberries that this year hang abundantly in thick dark clusters bursting with flavor and sweetness.

Every farmer knows that after a few years of great harvests, there will be a poor one, followed usually by another few years of good harvests.

So I wondered, “Why does nature go through these cycles?”

As I am preparing to visit my family in Germany for a few days, I am starting to understand. As I am packing my bags, say good bye to friends, my dog, my co-workers, and while I feel excitement about the trip and look forward to see my parents who are getting older every year (unlike me), there is a sense of sadness about leaving in my chest. I don’t mind flying, I will have a great time in Germany, and yet, already on my way to the airport, I know I will miss everything my life here holds. So actually, rather than sadness, it’s kind of a bittersweet joy of truly belonging, and knowing at the same time that I, and every other being, lives on borrowed time.

I am grateful that I am leaving so that I remember how precious my life here is, how much I love my friends, my work, and how lucky I got when my dog adapted me a few years ago.

After years of abundant cherries, this was a short season. The cherries were great, but the season washed over California in only a few short weeks, and now, at best, we have the very last crop from Washington at the markets, before in a week or so, by the end of August, we will have to wait another full year before we can taste the fleshy darkness of a perfect cherry, another full year before we can spit that stone again.

Nature has its ways of showing us what ever we need to learn and recognize in life – the feeling of truly belonging, the joy of an abundant harvest, the acceptance of things not coming in as planned – or leaving much too soon – and first and foremost, not to take anything for granted.


The Flavor of Language

by Helge Hellberg | August 12th, 2009

A couple of years ago I met a man from Lapland – which is the northern part of Sweden and Finnland – at Terra Madre, a gathering of food communities from around the world in Torino, Italy, organized by Slow Food.

He was Sami, a reindeer herder, and he was wearing beautiful clothes made out of felted wool and rain deer leather.

We ate some food together and in our conversation he shared that he knew 300 words to describe “snow”. He had a word for any kind of snow: slushy, dry, thick, snow that had freshly fallen, snow that had fallen on old snow that had turned to ice, snow that was about to melt, and a word for snow that would melt in a few hours – and 295 other words.

For him, there was nothing nostalgic about this, because he knew that his survival was depending on it.

300 words for snow, shared with other reindeer herders, to discuss what the safest route to take would be, on their thousand mile long trek from the endless grazing areas of the tundra in Northern Scandinavia to the place where some of his herd would be slaughtered and sold, just for him to start the journey all over again.

26 letters: the alphabet; a universe of possibility and diversity – all needed to describe the subtleties of nature and all her endless expressions.

The Sami and I were sharing food, eatable, and in the form of words, as well.

According to Webster’s Dictionary “Food” is defined as “something that nourishes us,” and “nourishment” is defined as “…to foster and sustain life.”

His 300 words for snow are sustaining his life. And his story has nourished me, ever since.


On Buddhism and Agriculture

by Helge Hellberg | July 24th, 2009

A few years ago, I studied holistic nutrition and the same year, I became lay ordained as a Buddhist teacher. During my studies, I found that there was a direct connection between the two disciplines.

In my nutrition class, as my final paper, I looked at the loss of nutrients in non-organic soils.

As a general rule, an organic farmer feeds the soil during and after each harvest by planting a cover crop and through other methods that enhance and build healthy soil, such as applying compost. In fact, soil management is a requirement under federal organic guidelines.

Non-organic farmers on the other hand, instead of the soil, feed the plants, and that is usually done by applying Nitrogen, Phosphorous and Potassium – NPK.

However, plants absorb a much greater variety of elements than those three, and as a consequence, soil, over time, gets depleted of essential nutrients.

So in my final paper, I wanted to know if there is any correlation of what is missing in non-organic soils and the most common diseases in the US. I picked the ones that cause the most deaths: heart disease, cancer, diabetes, stroke, and a couple of others – and what I found was amazing:

Heart disease, for example, the number one death-causing disease in the U.S. with 50% of all deaths. One of the most beneficial nutrients for optimal heart health is Selenium – a nutrient that is one of the most depleted nutrients in non-organic soils throughout the US.

So while all diseases are caused by a variety of factors such as lack of exercise, an unhealthy diet, or smoking, I found that exactly the nutrients that are known to be beneficial to prevent these diseases are the ones that are missing the most. Even the exact order of their depletion rate correlates directly with the order of the diseases that kill us the most.

So for me, there was a direct connection to Buddhism, a teaching that is anchored around happiness and kindness.

In relationship to soil it became clear that she gives us clothes, and food, and nourishment, and that when we are unkind to her, when she is incomplete, when she is hurting – so are we.


Harvest of Wisdom

by Helge Hellberg | July 17th, 2009

On a walk with my dog last week I realized that change is in the air. There was a sense of – dare I say it – fall in the air. I don’t want to create any kind of year-end overwhelm here and I am the greatest critic when the Christmas decoration in department stores goes up already at the end of October – and yet, in this case, I could swear I felt a tad of fall last week.

Maybe it was the light, which right now is as golden in the morning as it gets as we are only three weeks past summer solstice.

Maybe it was the wind and the way it made some dry leaves shuffle against each other

Maybe it was my memory; maybe I remembered these days and somewhere deep down I knew that summer is right here, right now, and that after the summer, fall will come.

I was reminded of the seasons, of this year, of time passing, the celebration of what is yet to come this year, the harvest, the bounty, the flavors of 09, the progression from spring to summer, from seed to carrot, from caterpillar to butterfly, from boy to man, from summer to fall.

And it is such an interesting little struggle – in my anticipation for the opening of the Point Reyes Farmers Market every year I can also hear the voice in my heart that says, “no, please don’t let that day ever come” – because that day will also be the beginning of the end.

So as we are seeing tomatoes and summer squashes ripen, and boys graduate, and girls become women, and dogs get older, I am walking into this season with a somber sense of gratitude – for the seeds that have become food, for the grapes that will soon be wine, and for the courage to accept that we can’t do anything about it, that this is just the way life is.

A good friend send me the following article:

“Why do leaves burst into color exactly? It’s a sort of magic trick, a sleight-of-leaf maneuver, in which the tree, sensing impending autumn, yanks the green from the leaf, thereby exposing the leaf’s true color. The “real” color of deciduous trees are the ones you see in autumn. Spring and summer are one long green disguise, a cacophony of chlorophyll.”

So the beauty, the color of fall, is not something that happens “to” the leaf, but is a revelation of what has always been.

Just as the leaf, the carrot, or the cherry, the boy, or the girl, life is about expressing our true innermost beauty, which is always inside of us. May this year’s harvest be abundant and full of wisdom.